It’s rare that I let down my guard, and come from the heart or speak from the feminine, especially publicly. My masculine has been ruling for so long, I didn’t even realize how hardened I have become, until about a month ago when someone came into my life for a brief moment, blasted some serious perspective, and awoke the sleeping feminine in me.
I’m here, today, ready to show how strong VULNERABILITY truly is.
It’s my coming out party BITCHES.
What, what? REPRESENT.
The word Consciously Awake might trip some of you up. What the heck does that mean and why the hell is it so important? Let me put it to you bluntly, when you are not dealing with a Consciously Awake woman you are dealing with crazy bitches, women with emotional problems and severe insecurity issues.
Isn’t that all women? You might be thinking.
If you love drama and women who leak massive amounts of insecurity at you then you might have no business reading this, but if you want to actually be with a woman that you can grow a relationship with, you might want to settle into your seat for the next ten minutes, cause I’m about to lay down some meaningful shit.
If you’re smart you’ll consider what I am conveying and digest then reflect.
If you’re dumb you’ll go back to the same old bullshit that doesn’t work.
The choice is yours.
Before I fall too deep down the rabbit hole, let me express that EVERYONE has issues, but what sets Consciously Awake women apart from every other type of woman on this planet is something called SELF AWARENESS. Yes, Consciously Awake means Self Aware. It is the complete antithesis of SELF CONSCIOUS.
All women start out a little off. Whether it is childhood trauma, sexual abuse, mommy and daddy didn’t teach you much about self respect or worth, bad choices in men, insecurities, doubt, self deprecation— all women have to navigate these waters until they personally decide how they want to view themselves. I see a lot of self hate in this world, and I, for one, have never struggled with self hate. Self hate is just plain weird and a waste of time in my opinion. I get there will always be someone better, faster, stronger, prettier than me, but there is no one exactly like me. Just like there is no one like you and that alone is worthy of self love and celebration.
When I was twenty-three I discovered I had some issues I needed to examine and work out. I had no idea that my past was playing itself out in my present or why I chose the guys I did. The only thing I had gotten right and didn’t fuck around with when it came to my worth was my ability to not compromise what I wanted out of life. I had a fine relationship with my outer life, but my romantic life kept tripping me up. I chose men that were ambitious and driven, but complete pricks. I liked men that were wicked smart and some of those fools were too wicked for their own good. Then I met Adam. Adam and I just clicked. There wasn’t a single thing that I couldn’t talk to Adam about, which was such a relief. Adam was a Consciously Awake man, the first I had ever encountered in my life, and his self awareness opened my own world to an expansion of SELF I had been craving for a long time. At twenty three, I got very real with myself. My desire to AWAKEN was bigger than my desire to stay unconscious and I decided to confront my demons and do the work to become a more Consciously Awake human being.
Choosing Conscious Awareness was fuuucking brutal.
Real Self Examination requires COURAGE and DISCIPLINE.
You don’t know what courage looks like until you are sinking in piles of your own shit and you have to figure a way out before it suffocates you.
Let’s make no mistake- Consciously Awake Women don’t just exist- we have evolved through enormous effort and courage to confront the tumultuous waters of our own emotional landscape and social conditioning. Women like us are not entitled or self righteous, we are confident and love ourselves. Don’t mistake self-love and self-care for selfish. Women like us are not selfish, we just have boundaries, and we trust our intuition.
THE SOLUTION TO MODERN DAY DYSFUNCTION
Consciously Awake Women are not your average woman. We will not allow fear to prohibit us from looking into the fires of our own souls and own our emotional triggers, past wounds, flaws, mistakes, or pain. We aren’t afraid of therapy or coaching. We have consciously chosen to grow and evolve our beings and take pride in our personal development.
We care about our health, attitude, style, and connections. You can talk to women like us, even if you piss us off and a situation gets heated we are reasonable. We can admit when we are wrong. We will come around and we are always willing to talk things out once the dust has settled, unless we have decided you’re not worth our time or energy.
Consciously Awake Women are not flawless, stuff does come up, and we slip up from time to time, but what sets us apart is deep down we are psychologically healthy and sane, even if we like to get crazy at a good party, enjoy a fabulous cocktail or the occasional puff. Awake doesn’t mean boring, it doesn’t mean goodie goodie, it means that we deal with our issues and our problems are workable.
Consciously Awake Women are relationship material and the kind of women MEN want.
Listen MEN, WE NEED YOU.
All this – WE DON’T NEED YOU – crap is a big fat fucking lie.
The problem is a lot of you are lame, unreliable, emotional stunted, and impossible to date.
There is a reason a lot women have every right to think the vast majority of men are cavemen, stupid, and a headache.
Ever since the Women’s Lib movement women have been trying so hard to compete with men for the respect and equality we deserve that women have only begun to fully understand how the over-arching male ego of our greater reality and history has fractured our femininity. Women’s Lib made women more masculine, not feminine. If women wanted to play with the BIG BOYS we had to play a man’s game. We had to armor up. Women turned to masculinity for strength to compete in a man’s world, making us hard, bitter, aggressive, angry bitches who have little to no faith in the emotional maturity or acknowledgement of men. It’s age long conundrum and situation that I personally feel is about to come to a very big HEAD. No pun intended.
Consciously Awake Women are tired of fighting and shrinking for the right to seen and honored for the magnitude of what and who we are. We want you to take your blinders off. We want you to actually treat women the way you would want men to treat your daughters.
I, for one, am tired to fighting and shrinking.
Today, I am taking off the armor and the boxing gloves.
I no longer need to self protect to be STRONG. I am STRONG.
I’m not afraid to feel. I am emotional. I can be hurt and it is okay.
I choose to live in the truth.
But I refuse to receive less that what I deserve.
Strong Consciously Awake Women seek emotionally mature MEN who value personal and emotional growth.
THE PROBLEM WOMEN FACE WITH SOME MEN
There is nothing unsexier to a woman who is capable of owning her own shit and having a healthy functional relationship than a guy who is still potty training emotionally, and yet these types are running rampant in our culture. I have to address these types of guys so that the ones who are like this can be called out and the women still toying with these dudes can see the signs and make better choices. Let this be noted, emotionally messed up women fall into the same category as these emotional challenged men. They’re merely opposite ends of a spectrum, so keep that in mind if as you read and find yourself wanting to argue that women have issues too! Yes, a lot of women have issues just like men. When you see me writing about the dysfunction in men, it goes both ways.
There is a big difference between a MAN who can harness his boy spirit, and be playful, loving, funny, and obnoxious, and a man who has the emotional intelligence of a teenage boy.
3 SIGNS A MAN IS STILL POTTY TRAINING EMOTIONALLY
1). He’s never explored his emotional landscape or done inner personal work, meaning gone through extensive therapy or personal and emotional coaching.
2). He can’t own his shit, meaning his emotional issues, triggers, unresolved childhood stuff or dysfunctional family imprinting.
3) He’s insecure and projects his fear and emotional wounds onto you, but tries to spin it like you’re the one with issues.
Emotionally stunted MEN are an epidemic in our culture. A lot of these emotionally stunted guys have awesome personalities, cause they’re cool in every other way than how they choose to deal with their emotions. ALL WOMEN get caught up with these types at one stage or another until they wise up. WHY? Cause we aren’t living in a culture where the emotional intelligence of men is predominately great and sometimes it takes awhile to see people for who they actually are. A lot of women are so starved for connection that they make excuses and then get roped into year long love affairs when WARNING SIGNS have been flashing the entire time. It gets lonely out there for women when 9 out of 10 guys have fractured male egos. The choices for women are not exactly far reaching.
Listen up ladies, stop falling for a guy’s potential or what he could be. If he has major emotional issues (like the ones I highlighted), you will be baby siting, playing mommy, and living with a headache larger than life! Unless he is willing to work his shit out without you nagging him to man up, or he has his own personal desire to grow himself, you will suffer his shortcomings. I can guarantee that.
In my opinion, guys like these are an EPIC WASTE OF TIME and are best left to girls who just don’t get it.
Don’t get duped by looks, good sex, or whatever fun qualities these guys posses. You need to find a man who is constantly growing himself or else you will wind up in a one sided relationship, bitter, and unfulfilled. A lot of women want to be with the idea of someone, but unless you want your delusions to come crashing down and be in the worst emotional pain of your life, LISTEN TO ME. I have seen more than you can imagine and I have dedicated my psyche to awakening since I was twenty-four.
Consciously Awake Women might be attracted to these types for a couple days, even weeks if you rarely hang out, but the second she sees your bullshit she will lose interest. We’ve already been down that road and we aren’t looking for disappointment. We are looking for someone who stands out. Women like us are not afraid of a man who challenges us to grow our being. If you are not growing and rising up to the level you want you to living in your fears and I, for one, didn’t come here to live in fears.
It is a daily choice to confront what scares you. You can either choose to live in fear or you can choose to get the life you crave and need to fully experience what you are capable of.
Only fucked up women want to babysit or play mommy, the rest of us want the real deal and evolved men.
Good women need MEN that can self reflect, own their shit, and take responsibility for their emotional wounds or else women are stuck in a world full of emotional and mental midgets.
Women need MEN who have the courage to confront their demons.
We are not asking for perfection, but we have high standards. You can have issues but you better be dealing with them. We want to be with men who take your emotional maturity seriously.
If you have ever heard a women you cared for tell you that you need to:
1). Man Up
2). Become more Aware, Accountable, or Responsible
3). Go to Counseling
4). Own Your Shit
5). Stop Projecting, Controlling, and Criticizing
6). Hear not Listen
7). That you act like a Baby, a Queen or a Pussy, and have Severe Emotional Problems
YOU NEED TO CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU RIIIGGEDY WRECK YOURSELF.
TIPS FOR MEN WHO HAVE ISSUES
We want men we can rely on and can compliment us. We don’t want to COMPETE with you. We want men who will take the time to get to know us, honor our brilliance, beauty, personalities, and capabilities without tearing us down or not showing up the way a lot of men do. Men who are hard on themselves or beat themselves up will be hard on you. And that shit ain’t kosher, you feel me?
All this self deprecation and abuse in our culture has to end. What good does beating yourself up do? If you want to be GREAT at something just do it, keep at it, and be patient with your process. If you suck or have a lot of growth ahead of you, just own it and move forward. Why would you be your own slave driver? Why would you want to cut someone that you care about down to size so you don’t have to own the fact that you are in dire need of emotional growth? Beating yourself down, feeling bad, insecure, not good enough, or worthy is a waste. It solves nothing. The only thing it does is make you feel horrible, so if someone is doing this to you or to themselves—BAIL. Don’t wait around for that person to figure themselves out. If you choose to be friends with men who have emotional issues, let them do their thing, but don’t have delusions about their growth and what that could mean for you.
If people are reflecting some real shit to you, and it’s harsh or brutal, bless them, then get your shit together. The way not to self deprecate is to: DO SOMETHING!
We need to look toward SOLUTIONS and get to where we want to be and stop wasting time. You don’t have a lot of time on this planet.
Women who have gone to great lengths to develop themselves emotionally and who have worked for what they have in life are not about to apologize, minimize their feelings or sell themselves short for these self entitled little brat boys who want to be the prize. Evolved women don’t chase men, girls do. Girls that don’t know their own worth will put guys on a pedastool and if you need that, man, you have a VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM. You might as well tell everyone you need a fluffer in life in order to get an erection, cause that is the kind of guy you are emotionally. If a woman is bold enough to tell you she wants you or likes you, you need take the reigns dude, on EVERY LEVEL, or else she is not going to chase you, and she will start to think you are not man enough. No woman worth having is ever going to dote on you when you haven’t given her a reason to. She won’t cater to insecurities when you don’t posses the ability in your heart to feel her love. And she sure as shit won’t shovel reassurance at you when she can tell that reassuring you is going to be a full time job. If you want a woman, go get her, cause Consciously Awake Women don’t wait around. We look for authentic qualities and men who represent. We want the real deal and only give three chances (if that). If you blow it, that’s it.
Some men like to call women nags, bitches, crazy, cunts, intense whatever else you can muster, but let me be the first to tell you that our feelings have an origin. Women aren’t bitches or intense for no reason. We are not crazy either. We are tired of dealing with emotional and mental morons we can’t grow a relationship with. It’s lonely and exhausting for powerful women who can’t find men that are our emotional equal. And you guys who just want what they want without working for it aren’t going to EVER get GREAT.
In all fairness, not all men have their head in the sand. Some men take a proactive stance about their inner personal work and self reflect, look at the common theme and failures in their relationships, and actively seek evolution without mommy dearest having to spank them into shape, but for those of you that are stubborn, caught up in image, have Peter Pan Syndrome, think your shit don’t stink, always blame the woman and never take ownership of the part you play in your twisted dynamics, I’m telling you now, that you can have the kind of woman you want if you choose to become the kind of man a woman like that could actually be with.
You will never get an amazing women if YOU’RE LAME. Period.
That was the masculine in me, sorry.
Getting what you want and need doesn’t have to be so difficult or challenging. ALL OF US ARE LOOKING TO BE LOVED AND LOVED IN RETURN.
If you love someone or want someone and you think they’re out of your league or you look at them and see how far you have to grow and cower, that is ON YOU. Don’t ever try to be something you are not. We are all flawed and in need of growth. Honoring the truth and doing what it takes daily is all that anyone can ask. You have to be the one to decide how much you are willing to give and devote of your being to what your heart truly desires. Fear of pain, hurt, loss is not an excuse. You are here to LIVE and LOVE not hide under the bed. Let someone stand by you, but take some fucking responsibility for yourself. You cannot ever ask something of someone you are not willing to do with yourself.
A lot of men are curious about what makes me tick, why I am so different than most women, and why I am so strong? I’ve been called mysterious, elusive, enigmatic, and hard to figure out. I am not hard to figure out at all, I just don’t lock it down easily. In thirty-six years I have had four major boyfriends and though something amazing came out of each relationship, I don’t need a relationship like a lot of women do. I like connecting. I love to love. I love sex and I love and live for delights, but what I don’t live for is bullshit and it is a very rare man that crosses my path that will get me to sign up for ‘the realities’ of life. I would rather be a lover than a wife and I would rather live alone then have to compromise.
You will never own someone like me, EVER. Even if I choose to hang out or I like you, I will never be yours, unless I chose to share my soul with you. I am on loan at best and that is how I roll. Where most women are looking for a man to complete them I am looking for amazing, preferably sexually. That’s really about all I need, considering that I have so many incredible men in my life that I don’t have to settle. If there is one beautiful thing about having male friends the way I have male friends, I don’t have to put up with shit. I have hand chosen men in my life that treat me right, so if you don’t treat me right you will not remain in my life for long.
My most recent boyfriend told me, before he actually knew me, that the moment he saw me he thought I had had everything handed to me in life. JUST BY WHAT I LOOK LIKE. Do you know how many times I have been misjudged based upon looks alone? I didn’t come from money or the upper echelon. I was the first female in my entire family lineage to graduate college or purse higher education. I left my home when I was seventeen with $900.00 in my bank account after my mother disowned me and I had to graduate high school on my own. From there I moved out of the tiny little town I grew up in and hoped on a plane (not knowing a single soul) and moved to Europe by myself. While most everyone I knew stayed in their comfort zones I wanted to live. I wanted to experience the vastness of reality no matter how much it scared me and then at twenty three I was willing to confront my own shit. I don’t share my stories with people to gloat or be pretentious. I share my stories to relate and to express how far I have come as an individual. Some of the things I have done in my life are no small things. They took enormous courage and strength, and there’s only one way you would know this about me, and that is if you knew the truth of where I have come from and what I have had to personally overcome in my life to manifest such opportunities. Some of you think you have me all figured out based upon words or brief encounters and you know very little. Others of you want to get to know me and I am sorry that I don’t have loads of time to connect. I know it sucks for a lot of you and I apologize.
Right now, I’m pioneering a path to empower a new breed of women. Women who can stand in their power and be enough for themselves, so that they stop hurting themselves unintentionally. Men will always be a problem, they’re men, but I think that the heart of a woman’s issues is her own worth. If you stop looking outside of yourself and start looking at how you create your reality you have to ask yourself what you are and aren’t willing to put up with?
No man on this planet is worth half the heart ache you feel. The right ones take care of you and don’t fuck with you and you need to gravitate toward those kinds of men with all your heart. If you don’t know when to trust yourself or how to trust yourself and love yourself to choose better, ask yourself these 3 things:
1). Do I feel good about myself around this person?
2). Does this person serve my highest good?
3). Does this person treat me with respect and compassion?
If you answer NO to any of these questions: GET THE FUCK OUT!
There are way too many men in this world to SETTLE for bullshit. And if he’s hot, honey there will be another. There are always others.
Let’s be allies and let’s help each other out. Life is challenging enough.
Good Talk, YO!
Disclaimer: I need to clarify that my writings are not about any one particular person, unless I say it is. A friend thought I wrote the GEMINI piece to tell him how insensitive he was toward me and he never came into my mind while writing. So, please, if you think this is about you, ask me. Most of this is about my overall experience in life and what I have observed and heard from others.
P.S. I want to thank 3 men in my life who helped me on my path to self awareness.
Adam, you started it all. DJ by night, Psychologist by day, you held up a mirror and believed in my progress. I can never thank you enough for your role in my conscious evolution.
Trevor, no one has ever allowed me to gaze more deeply in his soul than you. We met at 23 and today, you still know me better than any man on the face of this planet. We’ve journeyed a long road with one another and I am glad the end if far from near.
Conan, you are the biggest pain in the ass, but you’re worth it. You taught me what it meant to unconditionally love and that is a humbling life lesson.